Embrace Beyond The Mess

Hey there!

Hi, I’m Bridgit. I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. I deeply struggle with anxiety and depression. I’m here to to openly discuss my mental illness, self soothing, and day to day struggles. The good and the bad and everything in between

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From the blog

• In my headMarch 10, 2023
• OhanaJanuary 24, 2023
• The videosJanuary 24, 2023
  It’s been long while since I’ve written anything. Life has been all over the place. I’ll explain all that later. We’re all wondering about the videos right, that’s new. Well it’s just a way for me to decompress, be myself, let myself out and be heard. There will probably be more in the future but for now I leave you with these
• My turnJanuary 24, 2023
• HealingJanuary 24, 2023
• InsideJanuary 24, 2023
• We lost our babyDecember 21, 2022
  https://gofund.me/abc99138
• Home is not a house of pretty things…November 30, 2022
  What do you do when your support your rock is feeling just as broken as you? He’s always been on the to pick me up and I don’t even know where to begin. It hurts my heart seeing him this way and knowing he’s gotta work through it before he is ready. I thought I felt helpless in my own mental illness, but never as alone as I do now, not know how to support him. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions on my lips and actions. He’s quite the opposite and we’ve never faced something
• I paid alreadyNovember 18, 2022
• Burn it downNovember 15, 2022
• Quite franklyNovember 14, 2022
• I’m not hiding anymoreJune 13, 2022
  I’ve have learned unfortunately due to no fault of her own. My daughter is my trigger, she is a reminder of every bad thing Tyler ever did to me, every time he abused me. I have been ashamed for so long and so much I have said or told anymore. Let me just start with I am lucky that I walked away with my life. The story I’m ashamed of most, and hid away from the worry. I also learned because of this my trauma response in the sleep is to sleep with my hand tucked under my chin and
• That’s her.June 9, 2022
  youtube.com/watch
• Please listenJune 9, 2022
  This needs to be shared, needs to be read, and most importantly heard. Sertraline- ZoloftVenlafaxine- EffexorCitalopram- CelexaMirtazapine-RemeronFluoxetine- ProzacDuloxetine- CymbaltaSeroquel- QuetiapineLamictal- LamotrigineLexapro- EscitalopramWellbutrin- BupropionLorazepam- AtivanKlonopin- ClonazepamAbilify – aripiprazoleTegrotal – carabamezipineBuspar – buspirone You may know what these tablets are or know a loved one who takes them, but in case you don’t, I will fill you in. That medication allows people to deal with a normal day to day life. Although most days it leaves them tired, spaced out, emotionless, or even super emotional. Crazy right? Why would anyone want to feel like that? Well this is why!! You see, some
• This spoke to me in mass overflow!June 6, 2022
• Abcdef well you know the songJanuary 11, 2022
  I’m having a difficult time figuring out who I am. I reconnected with my daughter and that was short lived . No harsh words things just kind of tapered off . Our son moved out on his own with his girlfriend. Most days it’s just me at home. I’m only working part time and my husband is gone from dawn til dusk making up for what I can’t carry, I want so much to give him more. he deserves a lot more. I’m hard to handle hard to read handle there’s no instruction manual for all the things I am.
• You went homeDecember 6, 2021
  Today is your heavenly day. Today you were called home. 7 years ago today you had to leave us. I woke up this morning feeling that pain like a freshly opened wound. I dreamt of you last night as some nights I normally do, but this night was different I could almost smell the fireplace on your clothes and almost clearly see your face in my head for what felt like the first time in forever. I could hear your voice telling me to stop worrying all the time, and it will all work out. I know you know how
• I miss you so muchOctober 29, 2021
  I miss you everyday, and it’s days like today I miss you most. I don’t know if it’s something in the air or just the day. I went back to your obituary today and read the condolences and I found no comfort in them. I listened to your voicemail, and it only made me miss you more. I’m not angry anymore, or hateful. But those feelings have been replaced with deeper regret and more confusion. Listening to your music always remembering, trying to hold on. It’s all I can do to get through this day you weigh heaviest on my
• Relief…so why am I still anxious?!October 18, 2021
  So it’s finally over. By no means do I believe a miracle has happened overnight or just in the past few short days. But Thomas NO longer means anything as far as control over my life. My daughter reached out to a friend of mine. I think I may have mentioned that. Well we’re talking! We’re actually making a connection and forming something beautiful. For so long Thomas has controlled her and that aspect of my life. I no longer am tied up in court with him over child support. Which I was happy to pay except I highly highly
• Its been a whileOctober 12, 2021
  I know I’ve gotten off track and haven’t written in a while . I’ve just been trying to figure stuff out. Today my counselor today me I’ll never be a rational person. Which at first took me by surprise, but he then explained he ones of my best qualities. That meant a lot. To be recognized for who you are: emotions, thoughts,hopes, love and dreams. But also those emotions can be very negative and excessive: regret anger guilt responsibility pain on such a heightened level. It really is a double edged sword to wear your emotions out loud. I prayed
• Dear DadOctober 6, 2021
  Let’s take a step back. I may have told you his story but I didn’t do much else. I resize for me to move no to grieve to keep going. I need to first recognize his flaws and the man was full of them. He was in nicer words what one might call a shit head. He made me so angry with HIS life choices, he made me feel so GUILTY for his choices causing my reaction. He made me feel ANGRY for being so selfish. He makes me feel so WORTHLESS, that I and my sisters weren’t enough for
• The dashOctober 4, 2021
  I have been sitting at my work desk since about 8 am, and I notified I was spaced out or I’m fixated on my dads urn. Sadness set in then there was more, i don’t want my life to just be a dash of worry and anxiety. I want better for myself. I want to be okay or at least be able to function happily. My dads life was kind of a dash I mean he had kids and what have you. But he didn’t do anything in between those dates beside drugs. And he didn’t leave us anything but
• To my husbandOctober 2, 2021
  To my husband. I know I can be frustrating and I know my insecurities can drive you crazy.I put you through a lot, and you never sway. You pick me up when I cannot, you brighten my darkest days, and you let me be ugly. And that’s important. Ugly isn’t even the right the right word. You work harder because of me, you juggle my mood swings, and you provide when I cannot, and hold me when I can’t find the words to say. You notice I didnt say he has to. He doesn’t have to do any of these
• Thomas-chapter 4 continuedSeptember 30, 2021
  Now it sounds like I’m pointing fingers and Thomas is completely at fault here. He is at fault for his actions it is he fault for our reactions. But I carry so much blame and guilt for what he did to my sisters and taking my daughter. If I would have never introduced him into our environment maybe everything would have been okay. I realized in therapy there is not an ounce of me that is ever going to forgive him. To be chased down, stalked, hit, slammed into things, things thrown at me. I’m slowly adapting and learning these
• TherapySeptember 29, 2021
  I had an intense therapy appointment today. Like one of those ones where you are just drained after. He said I looked calm and relieved at the end but I didn’t feel either of those things. I realize I have a problem with women and pregnancy. Since losing my daughter to her dad and 2 miscarriages it leaves me wondering. Is this punishment, why I am not worthy to be someone’s mom. Is it because I couldn’t protect my daughter. I avoid baby showers, pregnancy related shows. It almost makes me mad that I can’t do it. I cannot carry
• FriendsSeptember 28, 2021
  So I know there’s still a lot to talk about but I also want to talk about he good things in my life. I have a wonderful loving husband, who I know will always stand by my side, a son a couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s becoming. I have a stable job unfortunately I’m that scenario right now I’m the unstable one. I have loving parents, and bonus parents (family) No one is an in law when they’re family. Well except for the weird uncles and shit, but that’s beside the point. Focus. I have 3
• Meh…September 26, 2021
  Do you ever get to a point In Your depression or during an anxiety episode where you just feel meh. You don’t feel good, you don’t feel bad, you’re tired just kind of don’t care.meh? Yeah that’s where I’m at where now. I took a nap today woke up with a migraine, btw chronic migraine sufferer as well, turning into on big stirring pot of issues. Along with pcos which if affecting my hormones adding it’s dash to the recipe. So yes today yes meh. Sorry I don’t have more. Sorry I haven’t continued with Thomas or the anxiety or
• I know it’s been awhileSeptember 25, 2021
  I know it’s been awhile, and this outlet has been very healthy for me. I don’t feel like I’m telling myself how i feel when I already know how I feel. Journaling just doesn’t make sense in my head but this is kind of the same thing . Today was the first day I was actually able to self soothe. I was able to refocus my energy and attention and bring myself back down. I haven’t been able to do that I’m the last 3 week miss. So I’m pretty excited about, and I know I also told you there
• Thomas-chapter 4September 19, 2021
  This is it this is the big one. The one the causes so much fear, has made me feel pain no person should ever have to feel, made me scared to speak up, has given me bruises and black eyes and left scars inside and out that will never go away. The thing is he didn’t just do these things to me but he did them to my young sisters as well. But lastly and most importantly he took the best things a woman could ever be blessed with a daughter and motherhood. Now Im not an idiot things didn’t
• Pause it’s 3 a.m.- day 15September 18, 2021
  Right now it’s 3:00am est Saturday morning. I need to be up for work in a few hours there’s no going back to sleep I am wide awake. The silence in the house, we’ll sort of, the dogs are snoring, the fan is running, and my husband sleeps hopefully peacefully. Which at the same time just pisses me off to no end. He can just get in bed and be asleep normally until it’s time for him to get up the next morning. So what’s on the mind. I had a long talk with my mother in law, and she’s
• Sisters- chapter 3September 17, 2021
  First and foremost I want to apologize to both of them for bringing Thomas into our lives and letting him cause havoc for so long. He really broke us apart. My sisters are beautiful amazing girls. They come and stay with me when I can’t stand myself. They have both given me beautiful nieces that I thank god for. But they also can cause a lot of stress in life. My baby sister just got out of rehab and is doing great. She just got her girls back home with her and husband. I am so proud of her. My
• Mom- chapter 2September 17, 2021
  My mom is an amazing woman. Strong,bold, fearless. I know so far I’ve talk about my dad a lot and the abuse from Ryan. But my mom wasn’t absent. My mom dealt with more than I can ever know or she will ever tell me. My mom is loud, and outspoken. She was 4-6 months pregnant with me when her and my soon to be dad got together she was 17 years old. She kept me. I was born into any normal family so I thought. There have been times in my life where I have gone long periods without
• Dad-chapter 1September 17, 2021
  My dad had a heart a of gold, he would give you the shirt off his back. He grew up quite spoiled being not only an only child but his mother, my grandmother, passed away from cancer when he was very young. Then his dad left him here in Michigan with my great grandpa father on his farm, for another woman not even nine months later. But he never faulted. There are days I can remember just taking off all day with him and go out to lake brownwood to my grandmas and spend the day. Fishing, swimming, having lunch.
• empty boxesSeptember 17, 2021
  I miss me. I miss waking up and taking on the day. Then my heart swells. There are so many thing I just put up on a shelf in my brain and just left it there. Those boxes are starting to over flow and the shelves are getting weak. So I’m going to start emptying and sorting those boxes right here.
• RamblingsSeptember 17, 2021
  So this story isn’t over yet, and neither is mine. So today is the 2 year anniversary of meeting my biological dad. He always knew about me and my parents were all very upfront with me about that situation at a very young age. So we didn’t really surprise each other, just the contact surprise. I didn’t just appear out of the blue. So anyways things are good there he calls and checks on me each morning before work and if I’m having a bad day even more so. So my therapist put me as slightly suicidal. Death terrifies me,
• Willy WonkaSeptember 16, 2021
  This may be triggering… but as I have set and thought about it for a few days and be asked through a few therapy sessions in the last week. What is a panic attack like for you, what happens, how do you feel. Then I thought about the scene in the Original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The tunnel of fears. Gene Wilder is like the mind of a normal foot slowly calming singing: The Wondrous Boat Ride originally known as the rowing song by Ronald Dahl. In the tunnel scene of the original Willy Wonka film, as the
• Which one?September 13, 2021
  One in four girls will know what it’s like, to be broken. One in four girls will know the pain, of having their hearts torn apart, and their souls ripped wide open. One in four girls will have to learn to compartmentalize a pain, they never should have known. One in four girls will lose their childhood. One in four girls, will feel like they’re always walking alone. I close my eyes, and I see them. I am them. And I want to do everything in my power, to save them. One in four girls; just like me, will struggle
• Monday morningSeptember 13, 2021
  I woke up with a gasp of panic reaching to see if my husband was there. He was, but that didn’t calm the panic this morning my chest is still tight and my heart is racing, my body is trembling and still no trigger source. I felt good last night going to bed having posted so much and getting a portion of my story out. I spoke with an old friend for a while last night as well. I was feeling ready for today. I was gonna get up go to work and be productive. That is not what happened
• Find your trigger. Ha!September 12, 2021
  Some people do have triggers, and that’s great if you know what they are. I can’t figure mine out, that’s we’re going to take a deeper dive into what’s happened that’s why there’s so much past. I can be good 6 months to a year then I regress back to the dark prison I’ve trapped myself in. This is where I’m at today. Darkness, insecurities, crying, overwhelmed, not sure which direction to go racing to nowhere. I know the last couple of post held a lot of information and it was choppy but I have a point I promise .
• Life completely changedSeptember 12, 2021
  After losing two babies and my dad. I again started to pick up the pieces this time I wasn’t alone. I knew my boyfriend (now husband) at the time was right there with me. For the first time in a long time I felt supported I felt protected. So a clung on with dear life. We got married in 2010. He was my first sense of normalcy in years. There was no more fighting, no more screaming no more unexpected or unwanted visitors I has so happy. Towards then end of 2017- 2018 I got sick the doctors couldn’t figure
• Happy times in all the bad.September 12, 2021
  Now I know I’ve written a lot of negative things in my past few posts . But life wasn’t all bad. I feel like I’ve been in love more than once and have had so many incredible moments. In 2010 I met the man I was going to marry. He took on a lot when we got together he had an 8 yr old son of his own. He was a single father. He stood by my side day in and day out no matter what was going on with the Court battle over my daughter. he didn’t know my
• In betweenSeptember 12, 2021
  I finally got on my feet and got a job and my own place. I thought was doing right. I was trying to protect my daughter from everything I had to do and see. That didn’t happen. I was the drug addicts daughter, Child protective services was called 12 time in 3 years by my exes mother. I never knew when they were coming or the police would show up. So I became OCD. Everything was clean untouched a place for everything and nothing out of place. it wasn’t a home it wasn’t my safe place anymore. Add more anxiety
• LayersSeptember 12, 2021
  Little did I know my boyfriend and father of my child was sexually abusing my very much younger sisters. That’s right both of them. He beat one of them so bad an ambulance had to be called. Nothing was done, no jail time no probation. Leaving me feeling that much more unsafe and unprotected. His family was on his side which I guess that’s the way the world works. A baby boy in his mommas bright eye. I was always in the wrong. So I started putting up walls, I stopped going certain places, I stopped associating with certain people,
• My PastSeptember 12, 2021
  I grew up in a pretty normal house on a dairy farm my great grandpa owned. My life seemed like every other normal teenager it wasn’t until I was about 15 or so years old when I realized something was different. My dad was addicted to meth. He wasn’t abusive to me or my sisters, he never hurt anyone in a way you would think a drug addict would, but he had an addiction and like anxiety and depression it is an illness. Things didn’t lay low for long before we were all known. There were police raids and child
• The feelsSeptember 12, 2021
  One year ago left- everyday for the last 2 weeks-right. And trust me I’ve struggled longer than that. But openly I feel like a broken version of that girl. Living the same day over and over again trapped in my mind. Do you know what it feels like to live in a world that in your head is perpetual doom 24/7 that is riddled with things from the past that you can’t change or control but you can’t let go either. Grief so deep it cuts like a knife. Regret so wide it covers the horizon. Pain that hits you
• Right NowSeptember 12, 2021
  My chest hurts my heart is racing tears streaming down my face I mind is going 100 miles per second with no where to go no relief in sight, when will this pain end, when will the anxiety stop. I’ve walked I’ve crafted I’ve hobbied I have professional help. What do you do when that’s not enough, I have to learn to be vulnerable and release myself from this prison in my mind. That I put there.
• Let’s talk about it….September 12, 2021
  Mental illness is such a real ignored issue everywhere.it’s something you’re not suppose to talk about. I am a long time survivor of mental illness. My anxiety takes over my mind, and my depression follows right behind taking over my body. Mental illness doesn’t have a face, a pill doesn’t fix it, and it’s something we should all be talking about or have someone you can go to. So I’m gonna talk about it and if you want you talk about it with me I’ll not only listen but I’m damn proud of you. It’s such an unwarranted stigma. My

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